Monday, 9 March 2009

Intimidated...

I have suddenly come over all intimidated
and feeling pretty inadequate...
It's no-one's fault really, apart from mine...
I should know better than to compare myself to others. Big mistake.

As a result I now stupidly feel like I'm a lesser mother...

...for just trying to get through the day without too many mishaps; for trying to just 'survive'...
...for letting my kids eat meals in front of the TV much of the time
...for my uselessness when it comes to housekeeping
...for my inability to be consistent with my own boundaries
...for sucking big time at praying and fasting for my brood
...all too often for my lack of gentleness and kindness
...for my impatience and intolerance
...for even sending my kids to school, and not being able to cope with them being under one roof all at once for more than 5 minutes...! Seriously, shouldn't I enjoy them and be grateful for every minute with them?? Instead I find myself craving my own space way too much and resenting them being there when they're ill, or on holiday... When they 'shouldn't be' there...

So many of you out 'there' are such amazing and godly mothers!!

Ok, so I have 3 kids who all have 'special needs'...
I guess that explains quite a bit of the chaos that I live in.
Also I am single-parenting right now and it's pretty heavy.
But if nothing else, surely I should be continually lifting my eyes to the mountains and acknowledging that my help comes from Him, maker and creator of all things; and petitioning Him for His help, His strength, His grace... And trusting that He will answer, in His way, in His time.....

I long - ache, even - to fill my home with laughter, beauty, dancing, singing, praise, joy, peace, godliness.
There is certainly an abundance of love in my home. That: yes.
But the yelling, the fighting, the lack of order, of firm boundaries...??

Oh God - help!
Give me eyes to see You in my life, in my home, in my kids' lives, in my parenting, in my marriage.
Give me the grace to accept that it is in my weakness that your strength is made perfect.

3 comments:

  1. oh Rachel, we all have these moments in motherhood - and if anyone says different, they're lying! you do a wonderful job and your house, when going through a much less stressful time of life, is full of singing and dancing and laughter - I've seen the video!

    You need encouragement, a break and yes, quite possibly more time with your Creator - it creeps up on us all. But don't let Satan tell you those lies!

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  2. My heart aches for you... for all of us mothers out there who are just trying to do our best and are almost always feeling like we're coming up short in some way. I read this post, dear Rachel, soon after you posted it and had no words, except to feel deep down that, "I hear you!" I went away but your words have stuck with me and I have pondered them... and felt them...and so I'm back and still don't know exactly what to say but I wanted you to know that I read them and I understand... with love...

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  3. I have a step-son that used to live with us full time. He is an awesome little boy. But he is on the Autism spectrum. He is very high functioning. We were very fortunate to have great friends that would take him and his sisters for a night just so we could decompress. They were truly a God send to us. I pray you get the down time you need. Praying for you--Take Care, Renee

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