I have suddenly come over all intimidated
and feeling pretty inadequate...
It's no-one's fault really, apart from mine...
I should know better than to compare myself to others. Big mistake.
As a result I now stupidly feel like I'm a lesser mother...
...for just trying to get through the day without too many mishaps; for trying to just 'survive'...
...for letting my kids eat meals in front of the TV much of the time
...for my uselessness when it comes to housekeeping
...for my inability to be consistent with my own boundaries
...for sucking big time at praying and fasting for my brood
...all too often for my lack of gentleness and kindness
...for my impatience and intolerance
...for even sending my kids to school, and not being able to cope with them being under one roof all at once for more than 5 minutes...! Seriously, shouldn't I enjoy them and be grateful for every minute with them?? Instead I find myself craving my own space way too much and resenting them being there when they're ill, or on holiday... When they 'shouldn't be' there...
So many of you out 'there' are such amazing and godly mothers!!
Ok, so I have 3 kids who all have 'special needs'...
I guess that explains quite a bit of the chaos that I live in.
Also I am single-parenting right now and it's pretty heavy.
But if nothing else, surely I should be continually lifting my eyes to the mountains and acknowledging that my help comes from Him, maker and creator of all things; and petitioning Him for His help, His strength, His grace... And trusting that He will answer, in His way, in His time.....
I long - ache, even - to fill my home with laughter, beauty, dancing, singing, praise, joy, peace, godliness.
There is certainly an abundance of love in my home. That: yes.
But the yelling, the fighting, the lack of order, of firm boundaries...??
Oh God - help!
Give me eyes to see You in my life, in my home, in my kids' lives, in my parenting, in my marriage.
Give me the grace to accept that it is in my weakness that your strength is made perfect.